The unromanticised Love
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Responsibility, the need to care, is a feeling hard to shake off. Especially when you've held that feeling for the past few years and have invested much time, effort and emotional energy to the attentiveness of the need of the other. Is this love? That one would feel
responsible for the physical and emotional well being of the other, the need to protect, preserve and further another person's happiness and share in her pain? Maybe this is but the evolution of man, the hard wiring in our systems to be
responsible for the people we care about. Or is it an indicator of something more, that for the few people that you genuinely feel responsible for, they are the ones who matter most to you, more than any material things in the world and that it is more than feelings, it is fate. I ponder over my relationships. Have I a soul to be responsible for and in turn have the other take responsibility of mine. If this is love, may I rejoice in the beauty of its human connection and run away from the trap of superficiality.
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
In His Time
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Aloha from Singapore...finally home after 3 weeks plus of jet setting adventures. Thailand, Philippines, Malaysia...it's been a blast! God has made everything beautiful in its time! It's finally 2014 though I don't feel like anything's changed. Just really overwhelmed by all the different experiences from meeting so many new people and experiencing different lifestyles. Gonna record a little about each location I've been to and a little reflection :)
Thailand:
Shoppers. Paradise. I have never bought so many things in my life. Everything from bags to clothes to slippers. All going at insanely low prices (by Singapore standards). Got a pair of alibaba pants just in time for the new semester...can't wait to put it on for project presentations! And 2 new bags and a million new clothes for school! What excess! Urgh felt a little sick with all the shopping and eating but oh well once in a lifetime experience. On a deeper level, it amazes me that 1) such a large number of people can spend a large part of their lives in a shop selling things on a daily basis 2) that therein lies little gems to be discovered in the sprawling maze of shops if one has the patience to explore. New wardrobe for the new school sem...yay!
Philippines:
Maganda Omaga. That's good morning or literally beautiful morning in tagalog. And yes mornings there are beautiful as our accomodation was set directly at the sea front. Going for my first ever mission trip, which happened to be a kids camp, was quite interesting as I struggled with communication, depleting energy levels and some expectation of peace and quietness. But still it was great to see God's work in the little children, for them to be so enthusiastic and loving to each other, especially as they cared for those younger than them. And the facilitators were only 13 to 14 yr olds! We probably underestimate children here in SG and spoil our kids unknowingly. They are capable of so much independence and even maturity if only you expect it from them! I did find it hard to completely feel an emotional attachment to trip. Their issues seemed so distant and far away and I felt like I did not make the most of understanding their plight or taking home a sense of Godly purpose. Has my heart grown cold till I scarcely feel with a Christian love or have I been too swept away by the demands of the here and now? My lack of emotions, burden or take away troubles me.
Malaysia:
SWAT camp 2013. 6 days of bible study. Woah intense. Had the song 'Do you want to build a snowman' stuck in my head so I sang it at every opportune moment, well the first line anyway XD Ecclesiastes. Phooo. So complicated, so many symbolisms, so much intensity. But hey, everything is meaningless right, until in light of God's purpose :) Recovering from the after effects of all that information now but oh well good time spent.
Happy remaining holidays!
~In the silence...Im waiting to hear your voice~
The day I failed
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Never. I have never failed. I've done everything I could. Every time. Always. But if you know that the paper was not meant to be...that you failed because you didn't know you were that bad. Was it your fault? Were you in the wrong? What happens now? I don't know. I've never failed before. I don't feel exceptionally bad. I want to. I want to see that I'm lacking in a certain way, that I could have done more beforehand. But well no. I just didn't prepare for the paper the way it was requried to be prepared. I went there with the wrong concept. Who is to blame? My lecturer...for not telling us the way the paper was to be set? Myself...for not doing more than I have? What's the point? There is no point. There is only sunk cost, to move on and plan ahead. Been thinking alot about the point of the things we do in life these past few days. The studying, the friends, the daily cycle of eat and work. Where is this joy in the Lord? Where is this purpose of which we speak of every Sunday? I've been living a lie...an easy one. It's easy to talk about nice things, right things, like how to live a holy life, what is important in the bible and what to do to stay away from sin. But I'm not following any of these. I don't have to, ie. no one is forcing me to and there isn't really any negative consequence. I've been taking the easy way out. So what does this have to do with failing? It's a bigger picture. My failure appears heavier than how I live my life. After all the result is more 'tangible'. Argh. What to do now?
~In the silence...Im waiting to hear your voice~
What did I just type....
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
And so...I wanna get high and drunk on school again. I wanna have assignments piled high on my to do list, never ending streams of deadlines to groan and moan over. I wanna engage in impersonal idealistic conversations about the destitute and the oppressed and formulate elaborate schemes to unite the world and overcome men's differences. I wanna be re-attuned towards the need to study. Not because I am told that it is
completely necessary in conducting business or that it is the only way I can ever hope of landing a decent job...or a future...or the financial ability to own a car locally. But rather, I wanna know again that it is inadvertent that we study for the superficial reasons of competition and ego, to feel secure in the knowledge that of having climbed the dog's head and taken education by the leash, that I am the minority of the majority, the
summa cum laude. That the majority of the minority are still the minority anyway, so don't bother taking that path, Singapore will never make it to the World Cup.
Now I know I sound cynical and all. But honestly, one day I want to look back and say that University was all worth it. That I am a different, no better, man because of it. Maybe I am just taking a superficial view at this whole University thing, like the Coffee Shop Uncle talking about politics...or North Korea. Maybe education is superficial and experience and relationships and opportunities are more important in life. Heck, maybe I'm just superficially bored of the past two years of superficiality.
But I miss the superficiality of student life. In it's adult, judgmental and taboo form, it's called being idealistic. In it's kiddish, pure and untainted term, it's called freedom. Freedom to speak of life as it is, and to be understood without judgement. Freedom from making huge life changing decisions, that the only thing to worry of is How to do not What, Why, When and finally How to do.
I wanna be Free again.
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
NS - The life lesson
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
So I've been putting off writing this last goodbye. It's been hard to collect my thoughts and process the experiences of the past 1 yr 10 mths. I've literally been dragged out of the simple, mundane and very sheltered life of school and plunged into the deep end of physical exhaustion, self discovery and moral dilemmas. Would I give up this experience for anything? No. No way.
To sum it up: I have learnt so much more about life then any other seasons of life. In many ways good and in many ways bad. Where the usual confines of rules and school based social circles have all but broken down, I've come to understand selfishness, lazyness, bullying, hatred, distrust, failure, anger, pride, emptiness, purposelessness, ungratefulness and heart ache. Each of these bear a lesson for me, an understanding of my relationship to the people around me. Where it is every man for himself and the most talented and more often than not, the most cunning survive. Call me naive but the world is a scary place. The flesh is indeed weak. We claw at every opportunity, every opponent, every advantage there is to preserve ourselves (there is nothing much to get ahead in army). We do so till both parties bleed. I know this now in ways I had not known previously. When one's superior is anything but demanding in an unreasonable way. When a person in a position of responsibility chooses to turn a blind eye to his duties. When 'it's not my problem' and 'I don't care' is every day talk. When 'office politics' is a term used to cover up personal grudges. When shouting at another person is permissible just because one is not in a good mood. When putting another person down is ok cause it's part of the culture. I'm sure these are the experiences of almost everyone who has served NS and I personally have been guilty of some of these myself. The ugliness of human nature
will always rear its head in society.
In the midst of so much depravity, I am heartened by the good things in life. Where friends are still there to care for each other. Where brotherhood is forged like nowhere else. Where people still believe (and i mean in action not words) in Professionalism and Discipline. I've had commanders who not only talk but walk the talk, especially in BMT and AFTC. I've experienced the warmth of being invited into the homes of people I hardly know and witnessed the graciousness of people helping each other through the tough training. Nothing beats the homeliness of gathering around a hot pot in the evening with friends and cleaning up together afterwards, ranks disregarded. There is a certain indescribable bond between those who share the little that they have, not only materially but also with whatever energy they have left, that makes NS all the more meaningful. It's the sacrifices I make and the sacrifices that people around me make that I cherish the most throughout this journey.
I have glaringly left out the 'lesson plan' of every stage of NS (the field camps, the manpacks, the rush to finish food, the insanely long classroom lessons, the Unit day to day chores) cause looking back, those were good memories, but they would have been meaningless, simply tasks, if not for the people I did them with. And army is really about the people you meet. Cause through it all, they define your experiences and everyone is also discovering something alongside you.
So thank you to everyone who has, whether consciously or unconsciously, thought me something about myself or about what it means to do the right thing. Hope we meet again!
God Bless,
Robogator
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
The day I POPed as a Cylon Private
Monday, July 16, 2012
And so we did it. 2 guys. Yeap just the two of us. It was fun, screaming our heads off, getting all kiddy and wild.
Ok just to clarify we (Yes, a certain Andrew/guy friend and I) went to Universal Studios Singapore for a spin cause said person had a pair of free tix. Nothing going on here guys, just 2 *overgrown* kids being set loose in an amusement park. But that's not really helping our case. And no (sadly) we are not mutually interested in each other/gay. Just saying.
Speaking of overgrown, the lady at the Battlestar Gala-watchacallit was questioning my height cause I seemed to have crossed a certain safety limit and thus would have to move to the middle set of seats (so I wouldn't crash into anything but as we all know, sides and front are always the best seats). What can I say, I'm a Big boy XD
OH and did I mention Andrew and I took the ride 10 times over (no typo and not exaggerated) just for kicks? Supporting evidence: Along comes staff number 2 who calmly reassures panicky overly enthu just doing her job female crew that I'm no safety hazard cause he's seen us a gazillion times on the ride in (almost) every seat. Well, by ride number 8 I was getting ready to puke out last nights steamboat/hot plate meal. And yes, these are the first 10 times in my entire life taking a roller coaster. Never sat in one before. True story.
Anyway, USS was fun. We were like kids all over again, rushing for all the rides, trying to find the shortest ques, eating ice cream/fried chicken, laughing at funny mascots, singing songs during roller coaster rides to (hopefully) irritate people. All in all, it was a good break from the monotony of army life and expectations of being an Officer. Plus, it was spent with a good bro who chose a guy over the entire female population to go with him (this should go down in Bro Code History books).
Alright so now I'm shag, have this irritating Jurassic Park theme song/music stuck in my head and shall return my focus to struggling with teenage/budding adult issues. BUT, it was a good day :)
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
At the fork of the road
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Some decisions last a life time. Some questions are harder to ask than others.
Thankfully, all things are by His plan :)
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
